What is Shame and How to Overcome Your Shame!
Shame is a universal emotion! Although some people can feel it more frequently and intensely than others, we all have been experiencing it.
First, we need to make sure we avoid common misconceptions about shame and guilt. Guilt comes from something we did, then we regret or feel responsible for. Whereas with shame, we regret an aspect of who we are as a person, we consider ourselves defective. This can include feelings of being inadequate (ugly, repulsive, stupid), immoral, unworthy, etc.
Shame is often rooted in messages you have received from others, especially during childhood, this can lead to intense shame that can stay with you. Certain circumstances or simply a failure to meet our own standards and ideals can also trigger shame.
Shame can also be productive in the right context. It plays an important role in maintaining societal norms and societal cohesions. It is there to reinforce the idea that certain behaviours are harmful to others and to society as a whole. In earlier human evolution, unwanted or harmful behaviour would have often led one to be cast out of one’s tribe or community. That’s why violating societal norms can bring all sorts of emotions up to the surface.
Why is shame toxic?
We might have been exposed to different traumas or treated poorly while growing up, which can impact our sense of self confidence or how worthy we feel we are. Instead of briefly feeling ashamed of poor actions or choices and then moving on and learning from them, we start to feel worthless and it becomes part of us, damaging our self image. When we start believing that we are unworthy, we begin to see these irrevocable or permanent states that we are unable to change.
Shame leads us to hide or isolate ourselves, especially in social context, in situations where we anticipate to be seen as lacking or inadequate. It is often accompanied by negative self-talk, which can fuel emotions like self hatred, excessive worrying, embarrassment, and even anger at yourself and others.
Living with toxic shame is hard. You may feel like if others only knew the real, awful you, they might be repulsed and reject you. Then you end up holding yourself back, never really being able to be yourself, not even around your family, friends, and loved ones. Because it is difficult to live with shame, some people develop very unhealthy coping or masking mechanisms that include self harm, substance abuse, unhealthy eating habits, etc.
So how can we work through it or try to free ourselves from feeling so ashamed?
☐ Try to acknowledge your shame and then explore it.
☐ Find what your shame triggers are so you can learn to be more aware and avoid making it get worse.
☐ Learn to have more acceptance. Create a story by giving yourself positive affirmations.
☐ Forgiveness, this will be the way to release yourself from old traumas and beliefs.
☐ Talk and find support. Develop your trust and open yourself up to people whom you can trust like family, friends, and loved ones.
However, if your negative feelings don’t go away, you may consider speaking with a qualified psychotherapist. Online consultations can be as effective as in person.
You can contact me for more information: admin@alfordjeremy.com