What is Forgiveness?
There is a common misconception about what forgiveness means. It’s not about becoming friends with someone who wronged you or even liking or accepting them. Forgiveness is about accepting what has happened without getting anchored in the past or in what could or should have happened. Forgiveness is choosing to accept and let go of resentment, anger, bitterness and the feeling of having to take revenge towards someone who wronged us. It helps to release suffering and to step into the present.
Every human has the capacity for forgiveness, which is part of human nature and has evolved as social instincts that help to solve problems between humans.
Why is it important?
Resentment, holding a grudge or even retaliation, impact physical and mental health in a variety of ways and can lead to depression, anxiety, and high anger levels. Harboring anger will make you angrier and more resentful. We often tend to exaggerate experiences in our mind, which means a grudge over time can become more painful than the event that caused it. Built up resentment creates potential for more stress, worry, defensiveness and aggression. To break this cycle, finding and choosing forgiveness can be of great help.
Forgiveness will lead to an emotionally more stable mindset, less stress, better physical and mental health. Forgiveness is important for you, not for the person who wronged you. It’s important for you, so your mind and body don’t have to go through the very exhausting feelings of anger and vengefulness anymore.
Forgiveness is also an important part of any healthy relationship. We’re all different and perceive the world in different ways, which can create misunderstandings and problems between humans. Those can lead to anger and animosity and ultimately to emotional disconnection. Forgiveness plays an important role bridging these gaps and creating understanding.
How to practice it?
☐ Understand the impact & acknowledge the hurt
Without analyzing and understanding the impact the betrayal or action of the person who wronged you had on your life, it’s very difficult to get to a place of forgiveness and acceptance. Try to acknowledge the pain, reflect on it and talk about it to people who you really trust.
☐ Taking another’s perspective & Empathy
Putting yourself into the transgressor’s shoes has been shown to be one of the most effective ways to practice forgiveness. It can help you feel the fact that the other person is a human being just like you and you may understand their motives and actions more easily. Practicing this kind of understanding and empathy can pave the way to forgiveness.
☐ Remember you have a choice
Holding onto a grudge and anger or starting a process of forgiveness is your choice. Ultimately you are in control of how you let people and events affect you.
☐ Accept that you can’t change the past
Forgiveness should help you leave the past behind and let it go. It is important to accept that what has happened has happened and it can’t be any different, it can’t be changed or undone.
☐ Understand that it’s a process which can take time
Small things might be easy to forgive, but larger issues or transgressions aren’t. And immediate forgiveness isn’t always desirable either. Feeling hurt and betrayed is part of the process. “Before you forgive you have to grieve” (Fred Luskin, PhD).
If however you really feel like you are struggling, you can reach out and speak with a qualified psychotherapist. Online consultations are as effective as in person.
You can contact me for more information: admin@alfordjeremy.com