Getting To Know Your Shadow Self
In psychology, ‘the Shadow’ is a term made popular by Carl Jung. A pioneer in the understanding of our human psyche. Did you know that there is a part of you that you disown? A part of you that you have suppressed? Repressed? Because it is safer for your own psychic equilibrium?
In fact, not many of us do. And when we don’t know about something. Anything for that matter, there’s not much more that we can do, than behave in the ways that we usually do. For instance, we might be insecure in our relationships - whether family, social, intimate or other, and not understand why we keep being triggered in a particular way. We might dislike aspects of others or plainly dislike and judge others without knowing the real reason this is so. You might be uncomfortable in different situations without ever realizing that there is a rooted explanation for it. In other words, you will find yourself experiencing your life in that same way, without ever having the opportunity to know that what you are experiencing and have been experiencing could in fact be different. If only you knew. If only you were informed. And maybe, just maybe, in that moment, could begin to define a new trajectory of your life.
We all have a shadow self. The suppressed part of our personality. And although it might have a dark connotation, it is not. It has an important role to play in the development of who we are and can become. Without this part of us, we would not have any filter to what is socially and morally right or wrong. However, our cultural influences, traditions and individual experiences will, from the moment we are born, gradually play a role in shaping the kind of person we will become.
What will become the conscious construct of our ego self - as in the person we present ourselves to be every day - versus - the repressed part of ourselves - that of which is unconscious. Through a desire to please others we focus on our qualities which are perceived to be acceptable by others and hide the parts that we think are negative. This is a process we are involved with automatically without awareness through our interaction with the first people in our environment - our parent figures.
‘Pleasant’, ‘accepted’ and ‘encouraged’ shapes our ego self - the person we are daily - versus ‘unpleasant’, ‘reprimanded’ and ‘bad’ as discarded in the shadow part of our self - which we do not see. This disowned side of our personality is suppressed, and do not admit or accept as a part of ourself.
The shadow might look like it isn’t that important in our life but it can have profound effects. Your shadow may overwhelm your personality - or ego self- when it is triggered. It can profoundly affect your behaviour and experiences and also has the potential to be destructive. Not knowing about, or working on getting to know our shadow self can prevent us from reaching our full potential.
So, what can you do?
Maybe, you could start becoming more curious to acquaint yourself with that part that you would rather remain hidden, shameful, because it is considered as not good - or not acceptable. And in turn become more inquisitive. Learn how to explore that part of yourself safely. Doing so with someone qualified is essential. To walk the journey of making the unconscious conscious is an exploratory journey - one that will help to no longer be dictated by an underworld we end up calling fate.
A brave process of bringing acceptance and compassion to areas of yourself that you had previously kept in the dark. This will help you gain a deeper understanding of yourself.
Here are some suggestions of how you could begin such inner work:
☐ Identify things that you constantly blame others for. What are the characteristics you least like in other people that may also exist within you? Jung called this “psychological projection”, which is when we recognise and criticise undesirable qualities in others which we, in fact, hold ourselves.
☐ Triggers. Try to identify what situations or thoughts make you feel uncomfortable. Explore situations where you feel emotions like anger, guilt or embarrassment, sudden panicky feelings and pay attention to what triggers them.
☐ Pay attention to repeated patterns in your life. Wherever you notice patterns in your negative thoughts and feelings, this is how you can identify the shadow.
☐ Do a self introspection. Find out what part of yourself you dislike, judge or fear.
How to do shadow work?
Remember that this is a process - and will take time. Shadow work will trigger discomfort - however, with insight you can understand its nature and purpose, and then choose to embrace it with love and self-acceptance. The following are a few steps one can take:
☐ Review your childhood by asking yourself: Was I completely accepted as a child by those around me? What did my parents expect of me? And what emotions and behaviours were judged by my parents?
☐ Observe without judgment and choose to be kind instead. The more you dig - the darker it can get. Try not to blame yourself or others for your shadow self.
☐ Explore your triggers (as mentioned earlier) and write them down.
☐ Refrain from antagonizing your shadow self.
☐ Keeping a journal can be very helpful in laying it out.
Working with a qualified psychotherapist is a process that will facilitate this journey.
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