Why is it so hard to say ‘NO’?

“I am not a ‘YES person’, but it is also hard for me to say ‘NO’.”

In Indonesia and also in many regions around the world, there is a culture where when you say ‘No’ then it means that you are rude or bad. In this culture, fear of being wrong is common. As a result, it appears like this created a ‘people-pleasing’ mentality. Some Indonesians call this a ‘colonized nation mentality’ as a result of 350 years of colonialism. For generations, this mentality became so entrenched that it became difficult to let it go since it has become practically part of our way of life or culture. Even the majority of Indonesians are not aware of it.

Do you yourself have trouble saying ‘no’ or putting yourself first? Do you relate to this ‘people pleaser mentality’? Do everything for others at your own expense?

What do I think about the word ‘NO’

☐ I can’t say ‘No’ because people will dislike me.

☐ I’ll go along if ‘Yes’ means that the other person will be happy.

☐ It is rude and selfish to say ‘No’.

☐ Unacceptance, objections, protests, dislikes, something negative.

☐ Being defensive or being offensive.

Do you feel like you have these tendencies?

☐ I’d rather agree with everyone than get into a conflict or trouble.

☐ If someone is getting hurt, or upset, sad or unhappy then it must be because of me. And because of that, I need to fix it.

☐ It is almost like a habit to keep saying ‘sorry’.

☐ I will never be able to decline, have an objection, disagreement, and so I’d rather say, ‘yes’ rather than ‘no’.

I want to feel free to express myself.

‘People-pleaser mentality’ is not only limited to a culture, however, can also be seen in many other people regardless of culture who struggle with saying ‘No’. As a result, their feelings towards others and themselves and their relationships can become negatively affected. The good news is that this does not have to remain so, and we can learn to challenge this way of thinking in any of the following ways:

☐ There is nothing more powerful than awareness.

☐ Identify the situations in which you say, ‘Yes’ when you mean ‘No’.

☐ Give yourself a chance to challenge that way of thinking by asking such question as:

‘Do I really have to think this way because it is the way I have always been thinking?’ or

‘What scares me about making this change?’.

☐ If you find the above difficult to do, you can consider speaking with a psychologist who can help offer a supportive space to think work through such a sensitive process.

☐ Remember that this can be a sensitive process and therefore learning to adopt a judgmental approach is essential.

☐ Your happiness is within your own hands and is your right to take.

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